Help, they say…

I guess we all have come across the horrific news about the fire in the Moria camp in Greece. My heart just breaks. I can’t stop thinking about all those people, and especially children, who’ve lost everything. They have nothing! I have donated as much as I can right now, but I want to contribute more. I tried to reach out to a couple of volunteer programs about donating clothes, diapers, shoes etc, but the situation over there is so dangerous that our volunteers can’t even get close to them, so they won’t collect anything before they know they can actually reach them. The police have the refugees on lock down in a place where they are left with nothing and even less than nothing.

They need help, and they need it now!

Long time, no see…

I had totally forgot about this blog. There has been so much going on in my life for the last 3 years, that I just forgot about it actually.

Reading my old posts makes me realize a couple of things. One is, that I have changed. A lot. The other is, that the world hasn’t. . . .  The first thing is a good thing, the second is not!

But, for the reason I actually realized I still had this blog….

I came across this article: https://darbarnensover.aftonbladet.se/?fbclid=IwAR2xJdKb7bglGKY7vcNdV-QHi2xieqvIO60_JLqh-yiuChVZ3xwpBtdy_Zk

And it totally broke my heart.

Since my last blog, I’ve got two kids of my own. And when I saw that article I felt so helpless. Whilst my kids are lying safely in their beds, these children, and so so many more, live on the streets, in the woods, in the cold, maybe raining… It’s awful. I feel helpless. Because I just don’t know how to help. Why is this happening? There is such a huge chance that these kids will either not grow up, and if they do – they will continue to live in fear, in war, in danger… Maybe some will become awful people, because that’s just all they know.

Families fears so much for their lives in their own countries, so they spend a lot of their last money with the smallest of hopes possible and they board a boat that has no or defected lifevests. It’s.. It’s just horrible.

I’m so grateful for my life, for my family, my husband and kids… And I’m grateful that I don’t have to live with that kind of fear.. At least not yet. For now, my biggest fear is the corona virus. A virus that is spreading with high speed. But for the families and kids on the run, the corona virus is just a little fly compared to the life they live at the moment.

It seems like people has become more and more self centered. And seeking more and more power for them selves instead of thinking about others and the bigger picture.  It’s me me me, and I’m right and you’re wrong, instead of thinking about how they can contribute to a safer world. Even the earth is reacting to the damage made by us humans.

We need to care. We need to care about the whole picture and not just some of the details.

 

If just one person starts to change, then maybe another will too… And so on!

Be kind. Be brave. Be smart. Be selfless….

 

I don’t get it. . . .

I don’t get why some people or group of people decide that they should bomb innocent people. I don’t get where they even get this idea or why they decide to execute it. What pleasure or satisfaction do they get out of it? The only answer I can seem to find, that makes “sense” out of it, is that they like – or even love – to see the fear in other peoples eyes. They like to scare people and to have people being afraid of them. They find power in using violence. It’s absurd. It’s despicable. It’s nothing about these people that makes me think of them as great, big human beings. The only thing I can resemble them with devils. They are not human. They are not powerful. They are stupid! They make decisions that affects thousands of others out of pure stupidity, if you ask me! It’s hard for me to understand this kind of behavior, because I’m smart. I have a soul, a good soul. I’m kind to others, even if they are not always so kind too me. I don’t feel like or feel the need to hurt people. I was raised by good parents, surrounded by a good family and I developed good friendships and got an incredible husband. I’m gonna raise my child the exact same way. There is no way I’m going to let my child be mean to another human being. My child is going to learn that he or she always has to be kind to others. I’m going to educate my child on how a family should work, on how friendships should work and how to be a good member of our society, country and our world. Some people seemed to have failed this task. Because if they had, all the violence, the bombing and so on, it wouldn’t have happened. Nice people do not want to hurt others! I do feel sad. That while I’m sitting here at my desk, trying to study for my exam, being pregnant and tired in my own home, so many people are running from war, some are trying to run away from violence or other kinds of abuse. Some don’t have a home, clean clothes or the opportunity to study and learn, and to be educated. And therefor I can understand why some people feel angry and sad, but it still don’t give them the right to hurt others. Just because their life went wrong, doesn’t give them the right to drag other people into their own mess.

 

Å streve

Mitt hode er ganske så komplisert. Det tenker og det tenker. Det lager seg historier og fantasier. Mye er ganske morsomt, men annet kan bli veldig slitsomt.

Som mange andre så gjør jeg feil. Tar dumme valg eller sier noe feil. I blant kan munnen være raskere enn hjernecellene, og ting kan komme feil ut. Jeg er ikke feilfri.

Siden jeg var liten har jeg strevet etter å bli akseptert. Jeg har strevet etter aksept fra alt og alle. Dette bunner og grunner nok i at da jeg var liten, så hadde jeg egentlig aldri en skikkelig holdbar venn. Eller jo, jeg hadde jo for såvidt en, men hun flyttet og vi var ganske så forskjellige. Jeg hadde lyst til å være populær, den alle så opp til, den alle fryktet og ikke turde å trosse, den alle ville være venn med og skulle forgude. Hvorfor? For da hadde jeg ikke følt meg alene. Følelsen av å være den personen som alltid strevet etter å bli sett, være bra nok selv om man turde å si fra hvis man følte seg oversett eller urettferdig behandlet, ja den personen var jeg ikke. Jeg diltet. Og hvis jeg mot formodning fikk en venn som “satte meg først”, som var like opptatt av meg som jeg var av henne, da ville jeg ikke dele. Ble sjalu. Jeg ødela rett og slett for meg selv. Frykten for å miste noe bra ble større enn gleden over det som allerede var bra.

Jeg har alltid blitt oppfattet som en tøffing, en som snakker rett fra levra og i blant ikke har så mye filter. For mennesker som nettopp har møtt meg, vil jeg tro sitter igjen med et inntrykk av at “hun er too much” eller “hun er arrogant”. Hvorfor jeg ikke viser ydmykhet med en gang vet jeg ikke. Jeg tror det ligger i at jeg vil ikke lenger streve. Nå kan man heller streve etter meg. Om man oppriktig har en interesse av å bli kjent med meg, så prøv. Når jeg leser mine egne ord så blir jeg for såvidt ganske oppgitt, for det høres jo bare teit ut.

Det er ikke lenge til det er reunion på skolen. Med ungdomsskolen. Det som den gangen var en gjeng, med de “populære” er visstnok fortsatt en gjeng. Hvorfor passer noen inn og andre ikke? Jeg er fornøyd med de vennene jeg har i dag, men har alltid ønsket meg en liten gjeng. En liten gjeng som man kan drikke kaffe med, ha jentekveld med, dra på turer med osv. En liten “Sex & The City”-gjeng. Ikke alt så bokstavelig så klart. Jeg har venner fra så forskjellige steder, og få kjenner andre enn meg i min “gjeng”. Men det siste halvåret har 3 av mine nærmeste blitt bedre venner, og vi har nå på en måte blitt en gjeng. Som jeg alltid har ønsket meg. Så hvorfor slapper jeg da ikke bedre av? Jo, fordi nå er alt bra. Og da begynner frykten for å miste dette. Jeg er på en måte den som førte disse sammen, så da trenger de meg vel ikke mer begynner jeg å tenke da. Hvorfor er de glade i meg? Hvorfor vil de være venn med meg? Hva bidrar jeg med? Tenker de slik? Alle disse tankene surrer i hodet mitt. Det er så fryktelig teit, jeg vet. Jeg vet!! Hun ene forteller meg omtrent oftere enn kjæresten min om hvor høyt hun verdsetter meg, elsker meg og er takknemlig for vårt vennskap. Det er så herlig. Og derfor er jeg så redd for å miste henne. For det er så gjensidig. En annen sa i fra til meg da hun syns jeg var urettferdig.. Hun ville ikke gjort dette om hun ikke var glad i meg som en god venn, eller? Og den sier god morgen til meg omtrent hver dag. Oppmuntrer og støtter meg. En perfekt liten vennegjeng. Jeg ELSKER denne lille gjengen. Jeg vil HA denne lille gjengen. Men allikevel klarer jeg ikke helt å stole på meg selv. Altså stole på at de har like lyst til å ha meg som sin venn i vår gjeng som jeg har lyst til å ha dem. Jeg merker jeg blir usikker hvis de prater og henger sammen uten meg. Jeg blir redd for at jeg ikke lenger er bra nok. Igjen, jeg vet. Det er teit! De må jo kunne være sammen uten meg, på samme måte som jeg er med dem alene uten de andre. Jeg må bare klare å slappe av. Å tro på at de er like glad i meg som jeg er i dem.

Rundt meg har jeg mange gode venner. Som har lyst til å være venn med meg, og som jeg vil være venn med. Det kan skje at man vokser i fra noen venner også. Det er ikke noe galt i det. Jeg må slutte å streve etter å være noen jeg ikke er. Slutte å streve etter å skulle gjøre alle andre fornøyde hele tiden, og heller stoppe opp og tenke over og glede meg over det jeg faktisk har som jeg er glad for.

Med mine alle beste venninner har jeg klart å åpne meg mye mer de siste årene. Vært åpen om frykten min. Og de står ved min side. Jeg skal bli bedre til å slappe av, og stole på at jeg er bra nok for dem. Slik som de er bra nok for meg. Ikke prøve å være noe jeg ikke er, eller endre noe som allerede er helt supert. Heller sette pris på og prioritere de som alltid er der for meg. Og ikke streve etter anerkjennelse og aksept fra alt annet i tillegg. Det holder liksom. Jeg har mer enn nok.

 

Panikkanfall

Å få et panikkanfall kan være utrolig vondt. For dem som aldri har opplevd et før, er det også vanskelig å forestille seg hva som faktisk skjer. Folk flest vil gjerne ha en grunn, eller finne en grunn, til hva som trigger et panikkanfall. For det første er panikkanfall veldig individuelt. Noen føler at brystkassa strammer seg og assosierer det med et hjerteinfarkt og blir dermed enda mer redd enn det som er nødvendig fordi man rett og slett er redd for å feiltolke kroppens signal. Andre kan få puste problemer og hyperventilere. Noen får akutt gråteanfall. Det er utrolig mange ansikter på et panikkanfall. For noen kommer det av stress, press, bekymringer og slikt, og andre kan ha forhistorie av traumatiske opplevelser. Igjen, mange ansikter og mange historier.

Hvis jeg får et panikkanfall, så hjelper det meg å ringe min mor, min far, kjæreste og søster. Jeg liker at de vet. Det hjelper meg til å bli bedre. De har alle hver sin måte å hjelpe meg på, og det fungerer. Det eneste som ikke hjelper er at de spør alltid hva som har skjedd. “Noe må ha skjedd”. Jeg finner meg selv alltid da i å tenke at jeg MÅ finne en grunn til hva det kommer av og hva som utløser det. Vet jeg grunnen så blir jeg bra og det går over liksom. Men det fungerer ikke slikt. Problemet er at jeg faktisk ikke vet hva det kommer av. En venn av meg som sliter med det samme, fortalte meg at det er vanskelig for utenforstående som ikke har opplevd det selv å faktisk forstå hva som skjer. Og greia er, jeg kan ikke forklare det. Det plager meg at de spør for da må jeg stresse med å finne en grunn. Så finner jeg den, så er det kanskje egentlig ikke et problem en gang. Men nå blir det det, for det MÅ jo være en grunn til at det skjer.

Jeg har innsett at noe profesjonell hjelp er på tide å oppsøke. Ikke for å oppklare hva grunnen er, men for å rett og slett lære hvordan jeg skal håndtere det hvis det skjer så jeg ikke blir verre pga frykten. Rett og slett la kroppen “heale” seg selv når det skjer. Bare la tårene renne til det går over.

Det pleier ikke ta lang tid. Og det varer sjeldent en hel dag. Noe som er veldig positivt. Jeg er nemlig veldig sterk. Jeg tåler det. Jeg trenger bare at visse mennesker holde meg oppe i de timene det gjelder, ellers klarer jeg meg faktisk veldig bra. Jeg er veldig takknemlig for at foreldrene mine, familien, kjæresten og vennene mine bryr seg og passer meg. Takknemlig for at de blir redde og bare ønsker meg det beste hele tiden.

Jeg bare trenger at de forstår at dette er ikke noe de faktisk trenger å oppriktig forstå. De trenger bare å akseptere at sånt skjer med meg i blant. Noen ganger mer enn andre ganger. Noen ganger nevner jeg det heller ikke for noen fordi jeg klarer å kontrollere det selv. Jeg legger mye stolthet i det å klare ting selv, det å kontrollere meg selv. Ikke ta fra meg dette. Jeg er betydelig sterkere enn flertallet med samme forhistorie som meg. Jeg har innsett at dette er noe som skjer med meg pga av forhistorien min, og det er greit. Jeg får ikke gjort noe med det. Jeg må bare leve i nuet og gjøre det beste ut av det. Jeg får ta hver dag som den kommer og akseptere at ikke alle dager er like bra. Jeg har 360 gode dager i året. Andre har bare 5 gode dager i året og andre igjen ingen. Jeg har et godt liv. Jeg er lykkelig. Jeg elsker livet og menneskene i livet mitt. Jeg har det bra 97% av tiden. Og det er jeg fornøyd med. Ikke gjør meg verre enn det jeg er!

Viola Davis. . . . Exceptional

I had a really good talk with both my boss and a co-worker of mine today. One of them made me realize that I need to live in the moment, that I need to take one day at a time and figure out: Who am I? I’ve never really felt like anyone have completely understood my, and I do believe that has something to do with me not being able to totally letting my guard down. I don’t like people to see me vulnerable. I don’t want to rip down my berliner wall for just anyone, or actually, I can’t. Because what if what they see, is something they just can’t accept? I told my boss this and his answer really made me think. He said: You’re not scared to let your walls down because of others, but because you can’t completely accept yourself just yet. You don’t always have to be perfect. You don’t always have to strive to make others happy. You have to make you happy”. Funny thing though, because the contrary to my other conversation with my co-worker, was that this conversation was about people. How we feel that it is bad not everyone is treated equally. How some people can judge others based on their looks, their religion, their homeland and so on. Not every human is a good human, unfortunately. And there’s nothing we can do about it, at least not right away. The contrary to my two conversations today, was that the one was about seeing myself for the person I am, liking and loving the person I am, and accepting myself. Accepting that I have a background which is not all dancing on roses. While the other was about caring. Caring about others. This just made me think a lot about Viola Davis. I mean. Is there really anyone like her? So humble, so addicted to making this world a better place for everyone else, so addicted to giving a voice to those who doesn’t seem too be heard. She is not only the best actor/actress, but she’s also a role model. Not only for people of color, but for us who doesn’t have much color. 

When I feel like giving up, I google: @violadavis quotes, and I remind myself why I’m not quitting.”…Dream big, and dream fierce”

“They say that brick walls aren’t put up to stop you. They’re there to give you a chance to see how bad you want it”…. Viola Davis!

There is no one like you

There is no one out there like you! There is no one that has the exact same story like you. It only exist one example of each and everyone of us. It might be similar people that we look like out there, or behave like, but there is still only one version of you, and me.

I think it is awful that some don’t see that they have value. That they feel like they don’t matter. Because I believe, that everyone matters. I believe that no one is born mean. I believe that people who ends up mean, are made that way by someone else. It’s not their fault.

Everyday, there is a child that gets hurt by someone that were supposed to love them and take care of them. Everyday, a child is getting pressured into becoming someone they were not supposed to be. Everyday, a child suffers. What can we do? What can I do? How can evil be stopped?

Why is someones life more important than others? We are supposed to be equal. We are supposed to all be allowed to be the person we want to be. I don’t believe that anyone willingly want to be a bad person. I think someone think they want to be one, because they can’t see that what they think they feel is just something they’ve copied from someone they feel close to, someone they have respect for and so.

We live in a world that is divided in two. It’s divided in LOVE and HATE. No particularly place is only LOVE, and no particularly place is only HATE. Hate is made up by someone who’s not happy with’m self. Which is truly heartbreaking. Hate is made up by someone who never gets satisfied with what he or she already has. Always striving for more. Why? I don’t get that. I would never hurt anyone to get what I want. I want a good life for myself and my family, but not by sacrificing someone else.

I know that many doesn’t share my point of view here. And that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But what I hope is that, maybe, maybe this can help someone to change. To move from hate to love. If only one, I’ll be happy. But I do hope that, someday, I might be able to help as many people as possible to become the best version of them self that they can possibly be.

Share your thoughts, if you want.

 

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”

That’s a saying many people uses when things get rough. For some, life is easy, life just flows, but for others it’s quite the opposite.

For me, it’s kind of both! Sometimes it feels like lemons are being squeezed in my eyes and in my mouth, and sometimes it feels like I’m drinking a delicious lemonade.

I’m trying my best everyday to live my life in the best possible way that I can. I want to be happy 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 days per year. I love being happy. I feel free when I’m happy. I feel blessed. I feel ecstatic. I think the key to a healthy life is happiness.

And I do have that key in my hand. Everyday. But sometimes, I lose that key.

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I work with myself everyday. I fight to stay strong. I fight to be the best person that I can possible be for myself and the people around me. But sometimes I feel like that just isn’t enough. I feel like I can’t live up to the standard that everyone wants me to have. I’m striving to be a better version of myself everyday. It’s exhausting to feel that you’re not good enough. It’s exhausting to try and make things right everywhere. But when I do somethings right at one place, I do something wrong at another place. I just can’t be right in two places at once.

I want to be a good student. I want go grades. I want to be a good sister. A good aunt. A good daughter. A good friend. A good co-worker. And most of all, a good girlfriend for my fiancé. I just feel like I can’t do it all at once. One way or another, something or someone will be let down. And now I feel that everything is being let down, since I can’t cope with it all at once. I want to, but I can’t. I don’t have the energy or the time to do so. I feel like I’m lost in a circle without any doors to exit.

I hate the feeling of disappointing the people around me. But what it ends up with, is me disappointing myself. I try to make decisions for myself. That are good for ME. But when I do, something or someone will be let down.

I started my education in 2014 after trying two other studies before. I started that education without anyone ever telling me to do so. No one ever gave me the idea. I found it. I made the decision to do so on my own. It sounds weird, like everyone makes their own decisions when it comes to education, but for me it felt like I just tried to get an education that was expected of me. The first year went bad. Unfortunately. Because I have some problems. My number one problem is that I say yes to almost everything. I say yes to work extra shifts. I say yes to babysit. I say yes to hang out with friends. I say yes to coach a team. I say yes to literally everything. Because, if I don’t – I let them down. At least, that’s what I feel. And my second problem is that I don’t believe I’m good enough, or smart enough to get go grades. But reason number two is actually because of reason number one, since when I first have the time to actually study, I am exhausted!

I wanted this education because I know that I will be damn good at it. And I know it will let me make a lot of money. I am driven by the thought of making a lot of money. Not because I need so many stuff, but because I want the opportunity to have it. I want the opportunity to go on a nice vacation with my fiancé without worrying wether we can afford it or not.

My dad has always told me that I’m to concerned about money. And I am. It is because I am scared of being poor. I feel bad for being scared since there is so incredibly many people in this world who are. I want have an opportunity to help others, but if I’m poor I can’t do that. I care so much for others so it hurts.

I am lucky. I have a good life. I good support system around me. And as I said, mostly happy. I’ll say I’m happy 355 days per year. And that’s quite a lot. But 10 days per year, I’m sad. I’m sad for others. I’m sad for myself. I’m sad that there’s so much evil in this world. Yes, sad. It happens, right? I think everyone might experience this.

I’ve found a great way to get out of a “minor depression”. I write. I write to find inner peace. I write so maybe others in the same situation can find comfort. You’re not alone. I write so people can understand me a bit better. It makes me better!

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Before I started writing this, I was teary and I actually cried a little bit during my writing. But at the end it felt like 20 pounds was lifted of my shoulders. Writing is my therapy. I don’t know if anyone reads this or not. If so, please write my a comment. If not, well, then this is a public diary for a girl without a face. Some might recognize me through my writing and others don’t. It doesn’t really matter, but for some reason I do hope that some people I know does read it. It might help them to understand me a tiny bit better. I might be a hard nut to crack, but I assure you I have a lot of love to give. I’m kind. I’m protective. I’m a good person. I’m not a fake. I’m not perfect, but I truly try my best to be the best I can be for everyone around me – and, most importantly, for myself!

 

What is this blog about?

Be free to speak is about letting go of your thoughts. I want it to be about sharing emotions, thoughts, experiences. I don’t want any arguments or anything in that directions. Just a clean tone. We should all be free to speak, but still think about how the receiving end can perceive your opinions. Show respect and understanding. Be true, but gentle. BE FREE TO SPEAK!

Happiness is a blessing

Being happy should be a natural part of everyones everyday life. Unfortunately, that’s not the case in this world. There’s so much sadness, and so many people around the world who doesn’t know what happiness is. What happiness can do for them.

For me, happiness is a blessing. I’m not always happy, but when I’m happy I’m truly blessed.

Sometimes, I have this weird feeling inside of me. A feeling of lightness. I feel complete, I feel satisfied, I feel encouraged, I feel good about the future. I feel like I’m just flying. I smile from literally nothing. It’s the best feeling in the world. Truly!

I spoke with my fiancé here the other day about how we both felt so happy lately. He had amazing developments with his work that has given him a lot to do at work, giving him the opportunity to do what he loves the most. And also that our apartment are soon ready for us. We’ve bought furnitures. Everything is planned. Everything is almost ready. We feel complete. Together. We feel that our lives are finally going in the exact directions it’s always been supposed to. Both for us separately and together.

I wish for everyone to feel like this. It is incredible. It’s calming. It’s happiness. . . . . . . .